Character profile: Alkie the Alchemist

15th Jan 2020, 6:33 PM
Character profile: Alkie the Alchemist
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Author Notes:

Cartoonist_at_Large 15th Jan 2020, 6:33 PM
Blame the Recruitment division. That's what The Mason, evil overlord of the NooseCorp Media Empire, has done repeatedly and often since their foolish decision to employ one Jethro Farnsley, AKA 'Alkie the alchemist'. Sure, The Mason was putting them under horrific pressure to find an alchemist - any alchemist - who could create copious amounts of gold from base lead (and therefore destabilise the global economy); and had threatened career oblivion - or worse - if they did not deliver. But still, of all the choices they could have made.... HIM?!? Alkie seemed the perfect catch, at first: he possessed a savant-like aptitude for alchemical transmogrification that the other candidates lacked, and, more importantly, was willing to work for little more than room and board.... and the odd bottle of wine. And gin. And scotch. And.... oh, gawd, here we go. It seems they did not realise that 'Alkie' was short for 'alcoholic' - and while he was a clearly a happy, pleasant (and obedient) drunk, his near-constant state of inebriation meant that he could turn lead into hot lead, cold lead, room temperature lead, frozen lead, spilled lead, molten lead, broken / beaten / battered lead.... but not gold. However, despite his hair-tearing incompetence, they dare not fire him: for if he ever sobers up and unleashes his true talents somewhere else, their hopes of glittering golden domination will be well and truly sunk!